The North Cyprus Driving Test, a whimsical view

At a time when Road Safety is a topical subject we present for the amusement and recognition by our readers a great article about bad driving written by the past playwright for Kyrenia Amateur Dramatics Society, Phil Lucock.

This light hearted sketch was written by Phil after dreaming about taking 2 hours to drive from Lapta to Girne and brings into focus the worst of driving standards that we see on TRNC roads.

The North Cyprus Driving Test

By Phil Lucock……

Okay, let’s get you comfortable before we start. Right what’s the first thing we do?

Look in your mirror!!!  What on earth for, you look fine to me, no no, first you lower your window. What do you mean what for?, how can you drive with your elbow out of the window if it’s not open. Now just move the seat belt out of the way, no, no don’t put it on, just make sure that you don’t sit on the buckle, that’s right.

So what’s next, yes that’s right you pull out into the traffic, no, no, no, not yet. The road is clear, you must wait until a car is approaching so that you can pull out in front of him. That’s better, much better. Why is he blaring his horn? Oh don’t worry it just means he is a Brit.

Okay, now is the time to light your cigarette, what do you mean shall you pull over, no, no just control the wheel with your knees, that’s right, you are doing fine.

Right now let’s take a right turn, good, no, no, don’t signal please, if you do that it takes all the fun out of it, yes ,yes that was great, what, oh don’t worry we missed him didn’t we ?

Okay we are coming to a roundabout, so pull over to the outside lane, slow down, that’s right, now cut in front of the guy inside you,

Great, right now get closer to this car in front, the correct way to do it is to make sure that you are only a couple of inches behind him, yes that’s fine.

Ok, so what’s missing then my friend, what very important thing have we not done. Right I’ll tell you, you’ve been on the road for 20 minutes and you have not yet made a phone call, that’s very important. Even better send a text message. What do you mean you can’t see the road and the screen, just get your priorities right and concentrate on the phone, there that’s better isn’t it.

Okay, we are doing fine, let’s just get past this guy in front shall we, of course there is a long queue, just go past him and pull in right in front of him, that’s right, brilliant.

Now then traffic lights, why are you stopping,” They’re on red,” so what there’s nothing coming is there just carry on. Ok these lights are red as well so just pull up, and get ready to go, ok rev up and get ready, get ready. Ok amber; now shoot off fast, that’s great.

Ok we are back at the test centre now so pull up and park the car.

Ok, I’m sorry to tell you that you have failed, why? I’ll tell you why, look over there, the pavement is totally empty, and you have parked the car here on the road.

Better luck next time!