HEREWARD THE WAKE RETURNS TO PETERBOROUGH

HEREWARD THE WAKE RETURNS TO PETERBOROUGH

Traffic cones, bureaucracy, and bills that would make a Norman blush.

When Hereward the Wake last walked the Fens, he fought invaders, defied kings, and became a legend.

Now, nearly a thousand years later, he returns to Peterborough — only to discover a land besieged not by Normans, but by something far more terrifying:

Roadworks. Bureaucracy. And the cost of living.

HEREWARD AND THE RETAIL PARK REVELATION

Hereward stands on a Fenland mound at dawn, gazing toward the modern skyline.

He takes in the retail parks, the traffic, the concrete, the endless signs shouting SALE.

His verdict is simple:

“What are you doing to my country — this cannot be the England I fought for.”

And honestly, who can blame him.

HEREWARD AT BOURGES BOULEVARD

He arrives at Bourges Boulevard just in time to witness the modern equivalent of a battlefield:

a bus stop, a roadworks sign, and enough traffic cones to build a small fortress.

He shakes his head, raises his spear, and declares:

“I fought Normans. You lot fight traffic cones.”

A bus pulls up.
Nobody looks surprised.

3. HEREWARD VS THE BUREAUCRACY

Seeking justice for the Fens, Hereward marches into a modern office.

He slams his hand on the desk.

“I demand justice for my people!”

The receptionist, without looking up, replies:

“Do you have an appointment?”

He does not.

She hands him a stack of forms thick enough to stop an arrow.

“Justice for the Fens… after you fill out Form 27B/6.”

Hereward considers raiding Ely again. It would be easier.

4. HEREWARD VS THE COST OF LIVING

The battle no warrior was prepared for.

Hereward once fought armies, outwitted kings, and held the marshes against impossible odds.
But nothing — nothing — prepared him for the financial demands of modern Britain.

The Council Tax Scroll of Doom

He unrolls a parchment delivered to his door.
His eyes widen.
His beard bristles.

“By the saints… is this tribute or ransom?”

He reads the total again.
Then again.
Then holds it up to the light to check if it’s a forgery.

A clerk explains:

“It’s gone up to cover essential services.”

Hereward replies:

“What services? You haven’t even filled the potholes!”

He storms out, muttering:

“The Normans taxed us less — and they built castles.”

The Monthly Expenses Curse

He finds a parchment titled “Household Budget.”

It lists:

• Rent: £1,200
• Energy: £300
• Groceries: £250
• Council tax: £180
• Bus fare: £4.50 (if the bus turns up)
• Hope: £0

Hereward stares at it, horrified.

“This is not a scroll. This is a curse.”

The Raid on Aldi

Hereward attempts to buy bread, cheese, and mead.

He is offered:

• A loyalty card
• A self‑checkout machine
• A coupon for 10p off if he downloads the app

He screams:

“I am Hereward the Wake — not Hereward the Tech Support!”

The machine beeps.
He challenges it to single combat.
It declines.

The Housing Quest

He seeks shelter in Peterborough.

He is shown:

• A studio flat the size of a shield
• With damp, no heating, and a “characterful” smell
• For £850 a month, plus deposit, plus admin fee, plus soul

He mutters:

“The Normans were cruel. But at least they didn’t charge for viewings.”

THE FINAL VERDICT

Hereward fought invaders, tyrants, and armies.
But modern Britain?
That’s a whole different battlefield.

And beneath the humour, the message is clear:

People are struggling.
People are tired.
People deserve better.

Hereward would recognise that fight instantly.

EPILOGUE: A CALL FROM THE FENS

Hereward may be a figure from the past, but his frustrations echo loudly in the present.
Through his eyes, we see the absurdities we’ve grown used to, the pressures we’ve normalised, and the challenges we face every day in Peterborough and across the country.

His outrage is comic, but the truth beneath it is not.

If a warrior from a thousand years ago can look at our world and say,
“This is not the England I fought for,”
then perhaps it’s time we asked ourselves what kind of England we want to build next — and who we’re really fighting for.

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