By Hugh Jarrs….
Just in time for the Jubilee celebrations brave Boris blows a breath of post Brexit business fresh air by banning the hated metric system and bringing back the best of British measures.
Imagine trying to buy 1 metre of cloth. What is a metre? How do you know it is a metre? Well, It is something to do with how far a photon of light, in a vacuum, will travel in in a certain length of time measured by reference to the radiation frequency of the Caesium-133 atom, which is 9,192,631,770 radiation cycles per second. Put another way it corresponds to electromagnetic waves in the microwave spectrum region with a 33mm 
wavelength. So, 1 metre equals how far light travels in 30.3030 vibrations of a caesium atom. Got it? How practical is it to carry a vacuum tube with a photon in it or a single caesium atom, let alone a microwave oven? What if you miscount those 30.30 vibrations within the 1/300,000,000ths of a second available and then have to start again? This is what happens if you let a Frenchman make up some Gallic centric rules for the EU. Totally unworkable.
Boris’ bold solution is to bring back the THUMB as the basic unit of measure. This ancient dimension is now the new thumb ruler. It is something you can carry with you at all times in just one hand, with a “just in case ” spare on the other hand. How practical and easy is that! One thumb width equates to the old fashioned inch.
12 thumb widths equals a foot and a yard is 36 thumb widths or, interestingly, 16 thumb lengths. A thousand paces, or one mile, is a handy 63,360 thumbs.
Another Boris brainwave is to re-introduce the ancient freedom for women (which in fact never existed, but facts do not matter, eh?) not to be beaten by their husband with a twitch exceeding one thumb’s width. A government whip said “This rule will encourage husbands not to use other weapons and so will greatly improve the protection of women. No EU country has comparable protections”.
You have to give Boris a “thumb’s up”. He knows how to dliub kcab retteb.
