By Viola Edward & Michael de Glanville….
Any Questions for us?
I don’t know what else to do to help my boy friend with his addiction, I can see the beauty of his feelings for me but I am very scared of what is going to happen to us if the addiction continues. When I have the courage to leave him, he begs and he promises to stop and he does for some days and then again the situation gets repeated, something or someone triggers him to start again… My gut feeling is to run away but what about if it is me the one who always runs away. Sometimes I doubt about myself, what about if I am fantasizing and in reality everything will be ok as he says. I am thinking about him and his condition all the time; I see that many of my interests in life are getting smaller beside my worry over his addiction.
Thank you for sharing. Addiction is a disease and one of its bigger dramas is that it leads the addicted one to violate things that he believes in and the other drama is that where there is an addiction there is a huge space created alongside for a Co-addicted, a Co-dependent.
Addiction is a persistent and irresistible desire for a particular and familiar feeling or experience. The afflicted person seeks to replace unbearable dullness in their life with exhilaration, they are possessed by the objective of attaining that pleasurable state of mind which enables temporary (but repeatable) escape from a physical or psychological pain they are carrying. This addictive state develops progressively through a number of levels from simple consumption, to substance abuse, ending with total dependence. We have already written about “Understanding and Healing Addiction” and “Addiction and the Human Brain” in this column, you can find them in our web site.
The term ‘co-dependent’ originated as a way to describe people who use relationships with others as their sole source of value and identity. Melody Beattie maintained in her book “Co-Dependent No More”, that a co-dependent is a person who believes their happiness is derived from other people or one person in particular, eventually becoming obsessed with controlling the behaviour of the people/person that they believe is making them happy: hence co-dependents often end up in relationships with drug, alcohol (amongst others) addicted spouses or lovers.
If your boy friend wants to heal his addiction, he needs professional and specialised help to go through a Rehabilitation process.
Independently of what he decides, we also believe that you, as a co-dependent, can already begin your own healing process. Nowadays, we have so many opportunities and different ways to work on our behaviour, there are Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Psychotherapists, Relationship and Life Coaches, Breathworkers, Counsellors, Hypnotherapists, etc…
If you decide to do this work, please choose a technique that appeals to you, contact the professional of your choice, work together and re-empower yourself and strengthen your personal boundaries without ceasing to care. There is a need to detach from over-involvement that can become toxic. Remember that rescuing someone, in the sense of solving their problem for them, is a less benevolent act than it might at first seem. You need to learn how to set limits on what you do to and for people. As Beattie says “Co-dependents are care-takers-rescuers. They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized”.
If you are interested in deepening your knowledge about “Co-Dependency” you can participate in sessions with Viola and Michael, in person and online.
We would love to hear from you with your comments, experiences and questions. Contact us firstname.lastname@example.org. Mob. 0533 867 3685. FaceBook: ViolaEdward Coaching.
You can download a free copy of Viola’s book “Breathing the Rhythm of Success” and find a collection of previous articles in this series from http://www.violaedward.com
About Viola & Michael
Viola came to Cyprus from Venezuela in 2002 to join Michael who was born on the Island and returned from France in 1999. Viola and Michael are both trained therapists in Breathwork and they founded Kayana Ltd in 2003. Viola specialises in Relationship Coaching, Business Consulting and Colour and Image. Michael has an Engineering background and specialises in Massage and Watsu.