When sex becomes an act of
By Michael de Glanville & Viola Edward….
“Our sexuality is the most intimate, private aspect of who we are. It has to do with how we feel about being male or female, and how comfortable we are with our body, our sexual thoughts, expressions, and relationships.”
Dynamic Tango of Tenderness and Passion
The enticing pathway of developing one’s sexual consciousness expands the boundaries of relationships and leads to the discovery of strategies for opening up the dimensions of that joy, the flowing sensations of connection and ecstasy creating unity and completeness. Each partner develops their own personal feelings of harmony without losing themselves in the other as they transform their sexuality into a both positive and pleasurable activity. Sexual energy can bring a couple together into a dynamic tango of tenderness and passion, creating self-awareness and strengthening their self-esteem and commitment to one another.
The Home Base
The conscious sexual relationship becomes a nurturing home base for two equal beings where desires and needs are expressed on time, in a safe privacy, secure in the trust of the other. The emotional expression, the sweetness of this moment of intimacy brings with it a liberty, a freedom of choice, to lead or to follow in the dance. A bond of togetherness and complicity is built up during the adventure through the fun and laughter of the different sensual pleasures and positions. Beyond the physical sensations and the emotions, there emerges an awareness of the value of the present moment, a shared consciousness that the privilege of travelling together on this journey is more precious than the climax of the orgasm.
The sexual act itself can certainly be physically satisfying, but in the absence of love it rarely brings a deep and lasting fulfillment of the spirit. The capacity to express love freely and openly, with joy and contentment, demands a self confident use of our many skills of communication. Often we will need to learn how to communicate more effectively to express that love in all its depth. Communication during healthy sex is caring and pleasurable, through the changing rhythms of the movement and breathing, through words and whispers, taste and touch, sight and sounds. Consciousness of loving is the portal through which our sexuality transcends from those fleeting moments of bliss into a colourful lasting nourishment of the soul.
Healthy or Toxic Sex
Sexual desire is a powerful force in the human mind, helping us to develop as sexual beings. Its capacity to lead us into a greater consciousness in our loving relationships is boundless. However, like most powerful forces, it can be channelled into either healthy or toxic experiences. The toxic side of desire is capable of leading us into a number of destructive and addictive behaviours (more on this subject in a future article). The betrayals of authority that include incest and child abuse are driven by misdirected sexual desire and in violent acts like rape and assault, that energy can shatter trust and destroy a person’s sense of self-worth and safety.
Alone or Together
You don’t need to be in a relationship to develop a healthy sexuality; many exercises of development are designed for singles. However, if you do have a partner, you both need to become educated about the sexual learning strategies for participating actively and effectively in the process. If your partner doesn’t want to join you at first, because of denial, shame, blaming you or conditioning taboos, you could start working on this by yourself and the effects of the transformations in your own behaviour can serve to attract your partner toward the process.
Where do you Stand?
Situating where you are today with your personal attitudes is an important first step in the process of developing a deeper consciousness of the subject. Where do your beliefs and behaviours locate you in the overall picture of sexuality? If you have any doubts about the nature of your sexuality, check the following comparisons chart by Wendy Maltz which highlights the contrasts between the beliefs that lead towards Sexual Addiction and Abuse and those that will help to develop Healthy Sex.
|Addiction and Sexual Abuse||Healthy Sex|
|Sex is uncontrollable energy||Sex is controllable energy|
|Sex is an obligation||Sex is a choice|
|Sex is addictive||Sex is a natural drive|
|Sex is hurtful||Sex is nurturing, healing|
|Sex is devoid of love||Sex is an expression of love|
|Sex is “doing to” someone||Sex is sharing pleasure with someone|
|Sex is void of communication||Sex requires communication|
|Sex is secretive||Sex is private|
|Sex is exploitative||Sex is respectful|
|Sex is deceitful||Sex is honest|
|Sex benefits one person||Sex is mutual|
|Sex is emotionally distant||Sex is intimate|
|Sex is irresponsible||Sex is responsible|
|Sex is risky and unsafe||Sex is safe|
|Sex has no limits||Sex has boundaries|
|Sex is power over someone||Sex is empowering|
|Sex requires a double life||Sex enhances who you really are|
|Sex compromises your values||Sex reflects your values|
|Sex feels shameful||Sex enhances self esteem|
Pick up on any of the contrasting assertions that concern or trouble you. You may want to discuss these with a friend, a wise person in your family, a counsellor, or health educator, to understand the differences more. How you think about sex significantly affects how you and your partner will experience and feel about it.
If you are interested in studying the subject of healthy sexuality in more depth, you will find “The Maltz Hierarchy of Sexual Interaction” an excellent and profound analysis of the positive and negative development paths that we are likely to follow as we become more, or less, connected to the presence of love in the sexual relationship and the role of mutual respect. You can find the article on Wendy Maltz’s website www.healthysex.com
Evolution of sexuality through the years
No matter where we find ourselves on the journey of our sexuality, whether sexual activity has disappeared from our relationship or is present and balanced, or has spiraled down into addictive or compulsive behaviour, we can all benefit from improving the connection.
Our sexual energy will not have a constant level through the years. It does not have a static quality. Both males and females will experience a range of differing libido levels during their lifespan. From the age of puberty, through sexual maturity to the eldest of ages, we live the awakening experiences of menstruation, erections, and spontaneous ejaculations. We discover masturbation and orgasm, we traverse pregnancy, breast feeding and menopause, we can suffer sexual dysfunctions due to stress and illnesses and we can be afflicted by ovarian cysts or prostate complications.
Dance with the changes
The journey is long, but one thing is clear. When our sexuality is healthy, we will be able to dance with the changes that life’s processes will bring us instead of sliding into depression, denial and indifference. The sexual energy that we give and receive within our relationship does not depend uniquely on intercourse. There is a whole range of loving sensual expression to be shared through touch, massage, tenderness and caring communication which nourishes our souls and bodies.
We will keep developing the details of these “ingredients” in our future articles and would love to hear from you with your comments, experiences and questions. firstname.lastname@example.org Mobile. +905338673685
Download a free copy of Viola’s Book “Breathing the Rhythm of Success” from our website www.violaedward.com