Choosing Conscious Communication
By Michael de Glanville and Viola Edward…. www.violaedward.com Painting a clear picture.
Conscious relationship can be likened to a seed that is carefully planted in good earth. The gardener is aware and has created favourable conditions before starting his work. Likewise, a couple’s relationship, situated in the sunshine of the truth, cared for with respect, watered with love and encouraged with communication, will grow on strong roots and produce many beautiful flowers and fruits. Mutual love develops its strength in the presence of intimacy and trust, so the picture we give of ourselves and the one we receive from our partner needs to be clear and truthful, a faithful representation. By daring to paint an open and accurate picture of ourselves that communicates the colours of our strengths, as well as the shadows of our weaknesses, we plant ourselves and the relationship in a rich and fertile earth.
Bridging “La difference”
Communication is a process of exchange of information. Success requires contact, connection, channels, content, transmission and reception and, above all, understanding. However, if we were to compare communication in the couple relationship with the synchronising operation between a mobile and a lap top, we would be giving a very shallow example of the rich depth and the variety of communication that we, as intelligent, multi-talented beings are capable of. The loving relationship brings into contact the differing yet complementary character traits of masculine and feminine energy. This tricky connection is reinforced by clear communication. The couple have different perceptions, but by exchanging knowledge, ideas and a variety of opinions, by sharing love, pleasure and intimate feelings, by organising tasks and looking for harmony and agreement in a climate of tolerance, the two partners will have a broader range of talents and a richer choice of solutions. The same two partners, suspicious and resentful and in continuous conflict with each other to retain control, will turn their relationship into an energy draining nightmare.
Our body senses and organs provide us with many different ways to communicate. We can talk and listen, using our mouths and ears, exchanging information whispering words or speaking, more crudely shouting with noises, grunts, crying or moaning, our ears picking up obvious or subtle information from inflections or a tone of voice. We are tactile and can use touch to connect, passing affection and tender feelings without words, using many different parts of our bodies, giving and receiving, exchanging exquisite (or brutal) energy through contact between our sensitive and sensual skins. The way we breathe transmits a multitude of information on the calmness or excitation of our body state and this can be seen and heard. We inhale enticing aromas, body smells and exhale sighs of relaxation. We sweat, exuding body odour. We can use our eyes to read written words or perceive visual media and also to decipher signals from body gestures such as happy smiles, emotional tears, displeased frowns, bored yawns, embarrassed looks or impatient drumming fingers and the more instinctive body language such as hair standing on end, shocked gasps or the holding of breath. All these gestures when decoded, carry messages and perhaps the most subtle of these communication channels is the use of intuition.
As children, we imitate many of these communication techniques, picking them up through observation of our principle role models, our parents, families and teachers. Children learn well through imitating, accurately mirroring the behaviour and body language of their role models and they learn and use these skills unconsciously without realising the sources. Unfortunately for the children, when the parents themselves have grown up in a family where communication was troubled or disfunctional, the set of skills that are passed on to them can be quite twisted or negatively biased. So in some cases, as young adults, we will dive into the adventure of a loving relationship with a poorly suited range of communicational skills which will need some refinement if the relationship is to succeed.
How well do I communicate?
Improving communicational skills will begin with creating a picture of how we ourselves manage to communicate. What are our strengths and our weaknesses? Are we in touch with our feelings? Can we express the tenderness of our love through our sexuality and talk easily about ourselves? Is it easy to ask for what we need? Do we have the courage to say no when it is necessary? This inner picture will help to boost our self confidence and highlight the areas where we need to improve our skills. We can focus on knowing ourselves better by working with a therapist and bringing into our consciousness intimate and unexpressed feelings.
Building up our awareness helps us to acknowledge and value our qualities, helps us to let go of self defensive habits and share our deepest feelings to a trusted partner. Communication in depth with another requires courage and practice.
Trust and Truth.
The trust is a bonding element in relationship, it holds the partners together, giving time for misunderstandings to be cleared away. When there is difference of opinion, healthy communication helps to prevent development of the conflict. Opinions can be expressed and owned safely if there is no fight to convert the opinion of the other. Accepting to differ is a mature acknowledgment of the other’s individuality. Hearing a truth can hurt the ego but denying the truth will damage the soul and the rebuilding of trust takes time and much work. When we realise that we are mistaken, the sooner we move out of denial, apologise and communicate our regret, the less the damage caused. Insisting on our innocence or being right, when that is not the case, will be temporarily good for our ego but will end by undermining our credibility, devaluing all the other things that we say. Being able to trust in oneself and in the truth of what your partner says is essential, for non manipulative communication really nourishes relationship.
Knowing by heart
When two people meet and find a loving relationship they are also founding a world of permanent communication about what is going on within the relationship. There is a deep exchange of sensitive information about themselves. They will know each other by heart. They share their intimacy and pleasure, their love and shame, they verbalise fears and worries, they express hopes and frustrations, their dreams and their pains. Real communication is a continuous process of feedback within the relationship. The couple dare to share to this extent because they trust in the support of their partner. Conscious communication creates the true encounter between the bodies and the spirits of the couple.
We would love to hear from you with your comments, experiences and questions.
Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org and 0533 867 3685.
You can download a free copy of Viola’s book “Breathing the Rhythm of Success” and find a collection of previous articles in this series from www.violaedward.com
Viola came to Cyprus from Venezuela in 2002 to join Michael who was born on the island and returned from France in 1999. Viola and Michael are both therapists and trainers in Breathwork and they founded Kayana Ltd. in 2003. Viola specialises in Relationship Coaching, Business Consulting and Colour and Image. Michael has an engineering background and specialises in Massage and Watsu.