The Healing Process of Shared Vision
By Michael de Glanville and Viola Edward…..
What draws a couple closer to each other, or pushes them further apart, is their everyday behaviour, the way that they choose, or manage, to relate to each other during the many moments of connection that fill their lives. This behaviour is closely tied to values and principles, and the behaviour of each partner will reflect what is held in their core which, in turn, influences their vision of life, be it conscious or unconscious. These components are all related, none are isolated or stand alone.
Completion of Duties.
Duties are all the things that need doing to enable us to function as a family. For the couple there will usually be a natural distribution, some duties fit well because they are related to our personal talents and capabilities, but there are always those tasks that nobody particularly likes and their completion can easily become a source of conflict between the partners, unless there exists a clear and shared vision and we have the ability to make such an agreement and go through with it. The components of a vision are there because they are valued by the couple.
Creating a vision.
Your vision is a photograph taken in the present of what you want for yourself in the future. It identifies your values, principles and goals,
Shared vision
When we create a vision, we have the feeling that we are co-creators of our future and not just part of something that is happening to us. If we don’t know where we want to go, soon enough
Conscious interaction
A relationship will grow in a functional way, and be based on deep foundations, when the shared and chosen pathway is clear to both of the partners. Two people, each with their individual uniqueness, working side by side towards a shared vision will have access to a broader range of capabilities. Together they can build a world of creativity, productivity and fun. They will also run into areas of conflict which the shared vision will help them to resolve. The reason that we create our personal vision and then create a shared vision together with our partner is to take us to conscious interaction and this is the objective of Conscious Relationship.
Principles and Values.
The Vision is grounded on Principles and Values. By implying them,
Values are Traditional, Cultural and Individual. For example: cleanliness, orderliness, punctuality, dependability, achievement, discipline, obedience, sincerity, politeness, faithfulness, thrift, entertainment, recreation, independency, knowledge, etc.
Principles are Universal. For example: Love, Justice, Freedom, Contact, Trust, Sex, Respect and Meaning.
Conduct and Behaviour.
In a couple relationships, people will always be facing trans-cultural issues, even when both are from the same country or same city. Both Partners will have had different life experiences and different ways that they perceived those experiences. These
Sources of conflict
Many of the conflictual situations in a couple will stem from misunderstandings due to the different levels of importance attributed to a particular Value or Principle. These levels influence how we see the world around us and how we prioritise. The differences in importance levels will be behind the limiting behaviour patterns that appear in the relationship and which, in reaction, trigger defence mechanisms. By talking about the values and discussing these incidents, each member of the couple will see what they can accept and what they can’t, confirm what is highly valued and what can be tolerated or ignored. There will be negotiation. Discussion will help to clarify the reasons underlying the levels of importance and whether these levels can be adjusted in the search for agreement in the process of change.
Joyful sailing
All the way along this journey of conscious relationship, Vision, Values and Principles will be present, guiding the partners in their decisions as to how they intend to travel, where they want to go to and in achieving what they want. These vital elements contribute to joyful sailing, the sharing of entertainment and hobbies and the resolution of conflicts.
For example, David is a plumber and self employed, he comes home at a different time almost every day. He is informal and laid back. His partner Jessica, is an accountant and leaves work at five on the dot. She is smart and fashion conscious and they both earn good money
A couple that had worked on their shared vision, defined, understood and prioritized their values would be in a different situation. Being conscious of her Values, he would have called her to let her know what was happening and to apologise for not being able to get home on time, ending with a phrase like “I know how important punctuality is for you, I’m sorry that I have made us late Jess, (owning the situation) I love you and I’ll make it up to you” (sincerity, justice). Following this understanding connection, she could have been ready to help him get washed and shaved (cleanliness) and prepared to go out in the shortest time (love, patience).
Achieving the dream
In summary, to achieve our dream relationship, we need to know ourselves well and be familiar with what is in our heart.
This article has been inspired by discussions with Neida Guasamucare, Consultant of Conscious Movement, in Caracas Venezuela.
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About Viola & Michael
Viola came to Cyprus from Venezuela in 2002 to join Michael who was born on the island and returned from France in 1999. Viola and Michael are both therapists and trainers in Breathwork and they founded Kayana Ltd. in 2003. Viola specialises in Relationship Coaching, Business Consulting and Colour and Image. Michael has an engineering background and specialises in Massage and Watsu.